1.
I was born dead.
It is said that those who remember their own births are liars.
I do not remember this event -- it is merely a story presented to me
that, in the recalling, becomes part of memory.
The facts are superfluous; one is born, one dies
how one arrives is without meaning.
If you, reader, do not believe in purpose, my cerebral palsy was a mere fluke;
there was no operating room available to give my mother the required c-section.
If you do believe in purpose, as I do, the accidental was born of necessity.
It is either as simple as this -- or it isn't.
2.
to walk means to fall
to thrust forward
to fall and catch
the seemingly random
is its own system of gestures
based on a series of neat errors
falling and catching
to thrust forward
sometimes the body misses
then collaspes
sometimes
the body shatters
it has knowledge embedded it
of recalling how to shatter
and reform
the movement is angular
and unwieldly
it is its own lyric and
the able-bodied are
tone-deaf to this singing
4.
to be crippled means to have a window
into the insanity of the able-bodied
to be crippled means to
see the world slowly and manically
to translate
to record
to adapt
to be crippled means to have
access to people's fear
of their own eroding
5.
so that, the mother might
say your child must be angry
because you are disabled
so I told her, your child
must be angry
because you are a bitch
and the children ask
why do you talk like that?
and i ask them
why do you talk like that?
and children grow up
thinking this body is ordinary
8.
the body is composed primarily
of water and light
this is my body; I am its light
a mere shadow remains
so that, the body is erased
excepting movement
i am all motion and
this motion is neither weak nor hideous
this motion is simply my own
9.
To be crippled means to be institutionalized, infantilized, unemployed, outcast, feared, marginalized, fetishized, desexualized, stared at, excluded, silenced, aborted, sterilized, medicalized, stuck, discounted, teased, voiceless, disrespected, used, raped, isolated, undereducated, used as a metaphor. To be crippled means to be referred to as retard, cute, helpless, lame, wheelchair bound, stupid, drunk, idiot, a burden on society, in/valid. To be crippled means to be discounted as a commodity or regarded as mere commodity.
10.
the near miss
seemingly random
what appears chaos to the casual observer
is rather a neatly composed system of gestures
these accidents reside in me
the body keeps a list of them
what looks painful from a distance
is just the body reiterating itself
11.
is it true that the crippled body
is much closer to enlightenment
by its mere gesture of
getting through this world
is it true that the crippled body
is much closer to death
that longing
that want for silence
not in a desire to disappear
but a fragility
these bones are as if birds
tiny and
at any moment could take off in flight
4 comments:
1. It is either as simple as this -- or it isn't.
Or both. Bred with being in the womb of wonder <- that's where life lingers with the dead, learning its language, the secret code that pries open purpose.
These poems are really excellent, Jen - looking forward to more.
Jennifer:
These poems surprise me, given our off-line discussion about disability vis-a-vis Eigner.
You address your "condition" directly, in ways I rather imagined you wouldn't. You've "politicized" it in a way that's reminiscent of feminism. A dialectic set up between the "disabled" and "the others"--but I thought this preconception was part of what you were striving to deconstruct--?
I sometimes wonder whether or not my irregular heartbeat may have been caused by my Mother's heavy smoking.
One surmise of mine is that Larry's "condition" enabled him to see through a window (like the "window" you posit in your poem) that was unavailable to "the others." But, rather than a gift, you see this as an "access to people's fear/of their own eroding" [i.e., death?]. In other words, you see your difference as allowing you to see the worst aspects of "normal"--or to see "normality" as, conversely, a kind of abnormality. This seems to be the deconstruction you're performing. I.e., everybody's fucked up and afraid of death--not much a a privilege.
The list of participles is like a multiple choice question. I'd agree that the disabled are "infantilized," for instance, but "commoditized"? (You mean as consumers of special equipment, care, etc.?)
It's interesting about walking. "Falling"? Yeah, I've heard physical therapists use that description, a kind of organized confusion. Sitting, too, can be problematic: Chairs that "float" on springs or rockers can cause problems to the lower spine, which receives the lateral and twisting stresses transmitted from the seat. I.e., fixed chairs support the back better, though these "orthopedically" designed chairs are supposed to be better. Hah!
Animators have real difficulties trying to create the impression of actual walking. It's like a floating, or a tip-toeing.
Hey Curtis,
Can you expand on why you're surprised?!
These poems are unlike any of my other work. They do create a division between able/disabled. They are addressing my anger at the 'abled' world. There's a lot of bitchiness and pissiness here. Sorry- they are poems so I hope it's okay. The eroding is about swinging it back at people - I believe that able-bodied people are sometimes 'afraid' of disabled and want to not look at them as a reminder of their own bodily weakness -which in America is the worst thing that can happen to you.
The commodification (I can't spell it). Is based on my experience at UCP - and other things I've read. Sometimes these institutions take SSI or other money to support the program - and the programs do have a good side! However, these programs do no push independence because they are businesses and it is not in their best interest to lose clients. For example. I had at least three or four (out of twenty-five/thirty) students at UCP who clearly should have been in college. However, there are NO programs at UCP to get a GED, let along go to college.
Thanks Curtis. Thanks.
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