The Absence of Self Reflection

Jim and I haved both been put into a strange kind of mourning over the past 2 weeks. Jim had a friendship end and he is very sad. I had to quit my son's PTA where I was Vice President, and I am heart-broken. I can say more about my (perhaps misguided) decision to join the PTA later. It has to do with my own need to help, to keep busy, to be productive. My own inability to completely avoid difficult situations and my impotence of being able to devote myself 100 to poetry -- despite my luck at having, finally, "A sum and A room of one's own." But, I digress.

I quit the PTA because the President of the PTA expressed her disatifation with the hours I was working for the school (which by the way bordered on 30 hrs hours a week). She refused to discuss this rationally. Instead screamed at me in front of students in the computer lab and later in front of the school, where security had to break it up.

My point is that the Pres. is under enormous pressure from all aspects of her life, and I have great sympathy. HOWEVER, why can't SHE see this? Why can't she say "Hey, I was a monster. Jen makes mistakes but my frustration isn't entirely her fault." I wish Jim's friend could do the same. I wish we all could more.

When we were very young all my friends seemed much more self-reflective (ironically, for teenagers). I think this is because we were all trying to place ourselves in the world. Now that we are adults -- we don't sit around and THINK any more -- what did I do wrong, what did I do right, am I humble enough, am I a show off, am I taking my angst out on the wrong person.

Too bad for Jeff's school, Momma's in the hole, but she's going to MOMA to visit the spirit of Frank -- now there's a boy who is ALWAYS on my side.

Me & the other me

This person's talent is so strong it brings me physical pain

Ye Shall Torment the Gays No Longer

Mothers and War

Jim was reading somewhere a rumor that mothers day was orginally invented as a peace day. Whether or not this is true, I encourage everyone to make it into this. As per NPR this morning, there are 10,000 mothers in Iraq currently. That means there are 10,000 potential orphans walking around. I heard one lady interviewed who is a mother of three. Both her and the children's father are deployed. (Isn't that illegal?) She has hardly seen her two year old daughter. Are these our so-called family values?

Happy Mother's Day

THERE ARE MANY SINGLE MOTHERS IN THE WAR IN IRAQ. HOW IS BUSH LETTING THIS HAPPEN? PLEASE, PLEASE STOP THIS.

Dog story

Today I received the most horrible story from my "twin brother," Tomas. Here it is in his own words.

what i had hoped would be a nice easter sunday turned tragic about 1pm when i heard a dog screaming in obvious pain. my boyfriend and i looked out the window and saw a neighbor behind us three houses down beating the dog with an object of some kind, kicking it and punching it.
when my boyfriend yelled out "why don't you just kill the dog?" he replied without missing a beat, "that's what i'm trying to do", and then started beating and choking the dog again.
we dialed 911, but since we didn't know the address of the house, she said she couldn't send a car. i ran around the block to get the address, and came back to my street, where there was a patrol car in front of my building. i immediately thought that he had given them our address to save time, so i flagged the car down. three cops inside, the one in the back seat reading the post, the passenger eating and the driver, who didn't look like he was going to stop. i asked them if they were there for my call. he said "oh, yeah, we heard that on the radio, but we're working on something else right now" rolled up the window and drove off at about 5 mph, obviously in a hurry to get to whatever they were working on.
we called the 79th later that night, only to be told that no car was ever sent.
i understand that yes, there are "greater" crimes going on and that police have to use their resources as effectively as possible. i've only lived in the neighborhood under a year and keep hearing from all my neighbors about how the new police presence is so great. but not only did they not respond to my call, the officer who i flagged down to tell about a crime still in progress ignored me and drove off.
luckily the aspca officers have been much more responsive to this. unfortunately, they weren't able to respond until monday and a crime that could have been prevented wasn't.
___

Readings and Children

I kind of was put in a spot last night. I feel really bad. I read with a number of amazing poets. I decided to take my son and husband because I didn't want to go alone. Another poet had her daughter there. The kids were REALLY, REALLY good. I mean they were great. But, if they made even the slightest peep -- I got glared at. I just realize that (in New York) people are nice, but get frustrated with kids pretty easily. And people without kids don't have any reference point. So, people without kids might think the kids are being 'bad' when we think they are being 'perfect.' My friend once read and a baby stared fussing in the background. She said, quoting famous poet, something to the effect of -- don't take that baby out -- that's life and she went right on and did a great reading. Last night, I did hear my son shifting around and it was distracting -- slightly -- but I went on (and did well!) From my momma point of view I'm like ugggh, why can't people just accept the little people? From my professional point of view I'm parnoid that people will think "Oh, don't invite that Jennifer Bartlett to read -- she'll bring her KID!" I learned my lesson -- tonight I'm reading again (at the Lucky Cat in Williamsburg -- please come) and we got a babysitter! But, please note...not every mom has that luxery -- please be patient with us.

Where Bliss Is.

Revised List 5.6.07

Things to be done by Friday:

1. Prepare for 2 readings
2.
3. Finish new poem
4. At least 20 hrs. childcare
5. Laundry
6. Light Housekeeping
7. Talk to Dad re: final edits for proof
8. Type corrections to 2nd manuscript
9. Send off second manuscript
10. 15 hrs in school library
11. Numerous emails
12. Send out new poems
13. Work on current poem
14.
15. Follow up on adjunct job
16.
16. Follow up on readings
17. Trim hair
18. Finish Paul Hoover Review
19. Work on SES.
20. Edit pages 70-150 of Jim's novel
Note to self: do not wear crocs and dirty clother to readings

Best Cafe Award

In my neighborhood, Greenpoint, Brooklyn, we have had a surge of new cafes -- including a fucking Starbucks -- and a surge of new hipsters to go with them. Second place goes to Champion coffee. I feel a little guilty saying this because I know the owners of 3 other cafes, but I have to say, the best kept secret in North Brooklyn in Cafecito. These people are super nice. The decor is absolutely beautiful and comfortable. I went in at 9:30 AM and they were playing NPR!

Ahhhh. Bliss.

Now that I've caught up with myself...I'll give you an idea of what need to be done before a short vacation on Friday!

Finish new poem
prep for 2 readings
Clean bathroom (&house)
Email Jeff Hoover
an interview on Friday morning
work on issue 5 & 6 of SES
finish review of Paul Hoover's new book
work in school library 7 hours
Email Julia
call IRS
Follow up re: adjunct job.
no less than 15 hours of comprehensive child care
edit (part) of Jim's 700 page novel
begin prepping my second book to send
Clean office
Drop off books to the cafe
Arrange school trip for grades pre-k, k, 1, 2, 3
Pay bills
Seed the lawn

If anyone wants to stop by and help...

By the way, I'm done with my proof! We mailed it Friday afternoon. As a consequence, our life was a shambles: laundry, housekeeping, groceries, my computer broke...and so on.

I am very shocked/excited to have gotten a response from the head of Art Education at the DOE. She was kind enough to call and apologize. The principal was alerted. The teacher is being dealt with. This is a huge, small step for me!

More on Cripple-ness

I was thrilled to get this response from Vernon Frazer in the comments -- which I am reposting here:

I don't know the nature of your disability. You may or may not know that I have Tourette Syndrome.
Havng paid a high rice in social and economic terms for my condition
and established some pretty decent writing credits over the years, I think if I were in the situation you described, I would tell them I didn't like being patronized, to Google me if they cared to learn what they missed, then go home and write. I would neither volunteer nor serve if asked in the future.
Best, Vernon


Dear Vernon,

Thank you so much for your comment! For me though, the issue is and remains difficult. In this one instance, I was asked to volunteer with the DOE as a poet through NYFA. But, I am actually also an employee of the DOE. I was hired six years ago through the Fellows program and am now a certified permanent English teacher. This is only one of hundreds of problems with the DOE's problem with my disability. i have been turned down again and again for jobs I should have gotten. The minute people hear my voice on the phone, they freak out.

So this a constant battle for me. This year I took a leave and went on Social Security? Should I take the Disability (which is a sizable amount) and say fuck it! Surely, people who are a lot less crippled than me live off Social Security and don't even try to work. But, for me this creates ethical problems. How many crippled people do you see at work, on the train, with their children? Why do people allow themselves to be pushed into their houses? Why is the disability movement the weakest in the county? I answer my own question just by the fact that people stare at me, dismiss me, and make fun of me on a daily basis. I am NOT that crippled. I have a very slight speech impediment and an akward gait. You would think I'm the elephant man! But the fact is that there are so few PWD in jobs, the streert, the media, that people just aren't used to us being around.

Now I am going to share some dirty little secrets with you about the DOE:

1. The first priority for hiring teachers is that they are young and went to Bank Street or Teachers College. All these kids get jobs in a minute because of theirr status and youth. NONE of these kids stay with the system. They are not dedicated and leave w/in a few years. The older, smarter, more dedicated teachers aren't worth much. (Forgive me if you went there!) But these guys aren't just hired on their good looks and good school, it's economics too. Why hire a teacher who will make it to retirement when you can get one who won't!

2. The DOE's other priority is classroom management. This is a big reason I get passed over. I'm small, I'm handicapped = no classroom management. But, (again) they don't know me -- it's looks alone.

3. The DOE doesn't give a shit about talent. Books you've written? Ha! I got a major poetry award and they didn't even announce it at the faculty meeting! But God forbid if someone has a baby -- they rent out a hall! Also, there is no pay raise for a PhD.! Most teachers don't have PhD. -- Hell, why should they?

Thanks for listening.
Jen

I got a wonderful response to the good people at NYFA. Needless to say, I have yet to hear from the Dept. of Ed., and probably won't. You, dearest reader, probably think I'm making this stuff up -- or at least exaggerating, but I'm not. I cannot tell you how sick I am of going through this. Where to put this anger? How to be heard?

The good news is I saw my friend and old teacher William Olsen read tonight -- an absolutely brilliant poet. My manuscript is about 2 hours away from being done. I'm spent. Tommorrow Jeff & I will see our Peter. Yeah!

The Latest NYC DOE Adventure

I was invited through the New York Foundation of the Arts to present a workshop/reading for Poem in a Pocket Day at Forest Hills High School. What follows is an email (written by me) reaccounting the response I got:

Dear Mr. V.,

I recently volunteered to participate in Poem in the Pocket Day in the New York City Schools through New York Foundation of the Arts where I was a 2005 Poetry Fellow. I was assigned to work with Ms. Lipton, the special education teacher at Forest Hills High School. When I called Ms. L. to make arrangements to visit the school this Friday, she was clearly taken aback by my voice. I have cerebral palsy and have a slight speech impediment. Despite this challenge, I am well-known poet and am a permanently certified NYC DOE English teacher.

I told Ms. L. that I had a disability. She was unable to look past her assumptions and grilled me on my qualifications as a poet. She then insisted that I explain whether I had worked with Special Education students. She said that she didn't think that her students would give their attention to poetry. I then asked her why she signed up for the Poem in a Pocket Project. She made it clear that I was not what she expected. Then, she asked me the date of the program. She didn't even know that it was being held Friday. Finally, she told me that she would be absent Friday, and I would have to work with a substitute.

The way this unfolded is very disheartening to me. I am very busy working on the proofs for my manuscript which will be published in October. I was more than happy to help, but am frustrated that I was put in a position where I had to convince a teacher to let me volunteer.

Most of all, Ms. L. students really miss out. Ms. L. kept them from having an opportunity to see that people with disabilities are successful.

Best,

Jennifer Bartlett

Poetry is not a hobby.

My work on my book remains relentlessly difficult. I got the first proofs yesterday Friday. Just today, have I been able to begin working. I was just carrying it around and staring at it. I was up all last night obsessing.

Derivative of the Moving Image

Anyone who wants to glance at my book can look here. This is not what I posted a few days back. This is the pdf. file for the actual catalog. which will be in mailboxes next week. The book is on page #32. The catalog says the book will be out in Dec., but the Press tells me October -- or sooner. It is up for backorder now.

Derivative

I can't begin to say how grateful and thrilled I am. It took me a long time to get this thing published. Some of the poems go back to my undergraduate degree! I'm not 37 years old! I was sure that I would have my first book out by 30. I was off by seven years. I have always had a difficult relationship with poetry. I have wanted to be a writer since I was a small child. I have written all along, but I have never fully devoted/immersed myself in poetry. As a person with a disability, I have always felt the need to prove myself in the world. My life has been a system of pulling away and pulling toward poetry. What I mean is that I always took on second MAJOR endeovors that became primary: being an inner-city school teacher, being an editor, being in a bad, obsessive relationship, starting a magazine. For the first time, I can be a poet. Just this. I hope it lasts......

My book is now up at the UNM website!

Derivative of the Moving Image