Thursday, May 17, 2007

The Absence of Self Reflection

Jim and I haved both been put into a strange kind of mourning over the past 2 weeks. Jim had a friendship end and he is very sad. I had to quit my son's PTA where I was Vice President, and I am heart-broken. I can say more about my (perhaps misguided) decision to join the PTA later. It has to do with my own need to help, to keep busy, to be productive. My own inability to completely avoid difficult situations and my impotence of being able to devote myself 100 to poetry -- despite my luck at having, finally, "A sum and A room of one's own." But, I digress.

I quit the PTA because the President of the PTA expressed her disatifation with the hours I was working for the school (which by the way bordered on 30 hrs hours a week). She refused to discuss this rationally. Instead screamed at me in front of students in the computer lab and later in front of the school, where security had to break it up.

My point is that the Pres. is under enormous pressure from all aspects of her life, and I have great sympathy. HOWEVER, why can't SHE see this? Why can't she say "Hey, I was a monster. Jen makes mistakes but my frustration isn't entirely her fault." I wish Jim's friend could do the same. I wish we all could more.

When we were very young all my friends seemed much more self-reflective (ironically, for teenagers). I think this is because we were all trying to place ourselves in the world. Now that we are adults -- we don't sit around and THINK any more -- what did I do wrong, what did I do right, am I humble enough, am I a show off, am I taking my angst out on the wrong person.

Too bad for Jeff's school, Momma's in the hole, but she's going to MOMA to visit the spirit of Frank -- now there's a boy who is ALWAYS on my side.

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